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Never before have so many had so much to say about so little.

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Geometry and Symmetry

MetalChairAtFiloli

I have a fondness for trying to capture geometric, symmetrical shapes when I photograph. This metal chair at Filoli shows signs of the cloudburst which had happened a while before. That’s why I shot it, rather than sat down on it. I was about to say, “and not a flower in sight!” But there is a purple one poking through the metal slats near the top. Sigh…It’s hard to get away from flowers at Filoli.

Cheers, Gerard

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Teaching and Creativity

TranslucentSelfPortraitAtFiloli

Another photo from my workshop at Filoli. Shot on a tripod with a 30 second exposure, it was enough time to allow me to walk into the frame, sit on the bench and be still. That’s why I’m translucent, at least in the pic…in real life I’m quite opaque. I thought my head would be in the shot, but it has a different mood without it, perhaps more ghostly. I kept the colors intentionally pastel to emphasize the reflective mood. The tulips are slightly blurred because of the breeze. Whatever wasn’t moving is sharp.

I’m not in love with this photo, but I’m excited by the potential of it. I’m getting all kinds of kooky ideas that could only be accomplished with a long exposure, making the photo into document of cumulative, flowing movements; capturing a performance rather than a frozen moment. As an artist (more than a photographer), I can taste the potential of this idea.

Trying new things is stimulating for an artist. I’ve recently noticed having a student will have a similar effect. I meet with Dan, my drawing student, once a week at Starbucks. Usually, the morning I leave for work, I look around the house or the yard looking for an assignment.

Yesterday, I grabbed a pinecone from the yard before leaving for work. When I set it on the table for us to draw, I realized that over the years I’d gathered dozens of pinecones with the intention of drawing them, only to let them languish on a shelf, gathering dust, until I just put them back outside because of moving or needing to make room. Finally, I was going to ACTUALLY draw one, because I had a student to force me to show how it was done. I found I knew,  from countless observations and drawing other things, how to explain to Dan the easiest way to approach drawing something so seemingly complex. Having to put into words what I usually do automatically is forcing me to articulate what I know, and making me aware of how much I know as an artist. Having to teach someone is a great opportunity for the teacher, too.

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Notable Facebook Posts During the Past Year

Sorry. I’ve been ignoring my blog and I miss it. Instead, I’ve been writing zingy posts on Facebook, but it’s quite clear it’s just not the same as a meaty blog post, where one can spread out and wander down a circuitous route or two. Facebook requires pith. If one is not pithy, one will be ignored. If you’re too long winded, you will be cut off, and people will have to “click” to see more. People on Facebook do not click.

This has led me to the “punchline effect.” You’ve got maybe 3 sentences of set-up before you have to deliver a “zing.” Vary from this structure at your own risk. Here, to prove my point, are my notable posts on Facebook for the past entire year, the ones that didn’t just roll by like a tumbleweed in a ghost town. Gathered together in one post, It’s looks sad. After this, it’s back to the business of writing stories. I may not have much of an audience…yet…but it’s much more satisfying for me. Here they are:

John has installed 2 aquariums in our house. I was a bit dubious at first, but I have come to enjoy them. Watching the neon blue tetras skitter around, and the furtive slinking of the golden gourami, puts me in a meditative mood. I begin to think of my favorite things; Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos, Monet’s Water Lily paintings…sushi…

Yesterday, throughout the day, I did a total of 100 push-ups, just to see if I could. I can. It’s really just stating the obvious when I say that’s not bad for 53. However, today I can’t lift my arms. That’s right, I’m posting this telepathically.

I share my computer at work. My co-worker buys a lot of shoes. Now all the ads on facebook, amazon, and elsewhere are for lady’s pumps. I’ve decided to assume it’s because of my co-worker, and not that the internet can read my secret thoughts…hmm…nah, I’m too tall to pull off 5 inch heels.

There’s an attorney in this office who brings donuts every Friday. Wouldn’t it follow, then, that if he brought donuts tomorrow, it would be Friday instead of Wednesday? It’s a theory that I happen to think is worth trying, but the attorney scoffs and rolls his eyes. I’m misunderstood in my own time.

The trouble with reading 3 books at once (Dickens’ “Martin Chuzzlewit,” King’s “Dolores Claiborne,” and a sci-fi novel by Vinge, “Children of the Sky”), is that I keep expecting Martin and Dolores to escape their situations on a space ship.

Last night, despite some misgivings about being alone in the house, I started watching “The Conjuring.” 30 minutes into the movie, when things in the spooky house are going “BUMP!” in the night, I heard a “THUD!” right above my head. Once my heart started working again, I stopped the movie, and went upstairs to investigate, humming an ABBA tune for courage. Milly, our Abyssinian cat, had playfully… knocked my watch onto the hard wood floor. Whew. I decided it was time for bed, put the cats away, crawled in under the covers, and slept, fitfully, with the light on. This morning, I ejected the movie from the player, largely unwatched, picked the disc up…with a handkerchief…and sent it back to the dark hole from whence it had come (Netflix). NO MORE SCARY MOVIES! Especially ones featuring freaky dolls named Annabelle. Oh, mommy…
 
Once the cat food cans have been opened and the cats are waiting for the bowls, they run in a clockwise motion around the kitchen island in a meowing frenzy. I wonder if in the Southern Hemisphere, they’d run counterclockwise?
 
John left the house for Arizona at 3:30am yesterday. When I opened the fridge in the morning to get my lunch, there was nothing unusual in there. But when I got home, there was a mysterious white box in the fridge. I opened it and found a small apple pie with a heart in the center. Despite the unknown origins of this pie, I nonetheless had a slice warmed up in the microwave. If anyone knows the mystery of this pie, please let me know. Otherwise, our house has pie fairies…could be worse. (It turned out to be our delightful neighbor, Rosemarie.)
 
I just bought 2 cds; Scary Monsters by David Bowie, and Scarlatti: Keyboard Sonatas performed by Schiff. Apparently, I cannot resist any cd title that begins with SCAR. I wonder what Freud would make of that?
 
On the way back from vacation in Cambria, standing at the soda machine in the sandwich shop in the tiny town of Gonzalez, I noticed that the raspberry flavored tea I was drinking was “Naturally Flavored with Other Natural Flavors.” And quietly, a day that had been dipping into the surreal became fully immersed.
 
The famous sign that greets riders of the ferry, “PORT OF SAN FRANCISCO,” probably photographed millions of times by tourists, is currently on the blink. The “R” is dead, so it reads “PO T OF SAN FRANCISCO.” If you’ve ever smelled the air crossing the Embarcadero to get to the ferry building, you know that this is more accurate, anyway.
 
Saturday, roasting 2 chickens for Sunday dinner, I discovered that 3 cats, who’d never seen, smelled or even imagined something as wonderful as raw chicken, would do ANYTHING for a piece of it. A great deal of darting, jumping, maeuvering and general mayhem ensued. Spray bottles full of water were ignored in pursuit of chewy fowl. The mewling grew to a cacophony. In frustration, and a bit of terro…r that they might get the upper hand, I finally threw the chickens into empty pots and into the cold oven, then took the cats upstrairs to be locked in the bedroom. Except, oops, only 2 had followed me with the kitty treats. The other one, Milly, a wily, wicked smart Abyssinian, was discovered on the kitched counter frantically licking the meat cleaver with a scary look of feline ecstacy.
 
A conversation with a visitor at the firm: She said, “I hate it when somebody gets in your face and says, ‘SMILE!'” I said, “I know, it’s so rude. What’s so wrong with a serious face? You should say in response, ‘je ne parle pas Anglais.” She said, “Funny, but what if they turn out to be French?” I said, “nobody who is French is going to ask you to smile.”
 
I was at Marin Symphony yesterday for a matinee performance. Heard a beautiful performance of Ravel’s Concerto for Coughing Audience and Orchestra.
 
Yesterday, whilst strolling with my honey on the road by Stow Lake in the park, we came across 2 large signs that read, “Slow duck’s cross!” So, if you come across a cross around Stow lake, it belongs to a slow duck. Better alert the authorities.
 
Did you know Breakfast is the most important meal of the day? The second most important is Happy Hour. Try to keep them separate.
 
When one shops for houses, one usually considers the location, possibly the schools, and the commute. I suspect one seldom considers the frog issue. But 90 decibels of operatic amphibian expressiveness at 3 a.m. will probably make one wish one had.
 
I’m not a fan of the zombie explosion in entertainment. But as I was walking through North Beach, seeing about 30 percent of the walkers shambling slowly with eyes glazed over, focused on small plastic rectangles to the exclusion of all else…I started to wonder are zombies actually fiction?
 
 
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2 Raw Chickens, 3 Hungry Cats

Saturday, roasting 2 chickens for Sunday dinner, I discovered that 3 cats, who’d never seen, smelled or even imagined something as wonderful as raw chicken, would do ANYTHING for a piece of it. A great deal of darting, jumping, maneuvering and general mayhem ensued. Spray bottles full of water were ignored in pursuit of chewy fowl. The mewling grew to a cacophony. In frustration, and a little terrified they might get the upper hand, I threw the chickens into empty pots and into the cold oven, then took the cats upstrairs to be locked in the bedroom. Except, oops, only 2 had followed me up the stairs with kitty treats. The other one, Milly, a wily, wicked smart Abyssinian, was discovered on the kitchen counter frantically licking the meat cleaver with a crazed look of feline ecstacy. I’m sure I saw eyes rolling.

Why isn’t there a horror film called HUNGRY CATS?

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Honolulu Goes B.L.O.I.N.G., Part 6

Sleepy Tigers and the Honolulu Hustle

 Carefree and whistling, John and I skipped around our new, fabulous hotel room at the Surf Breaker. It’s amazing what the absence of mildew and screeching hydraulic brakes can do for one’s mood. The room itself was actually smaller than the old one, with dark wood paneling, a huge comfy bed and ample closet space. Most importantly, it was quiet. Then John noticed the wood slats on the window wouldn’t open. It would get muggy at night, but we had air-conditioning, so I didn’t care. But John called the front desk to have them fix it. We got a young Chinese handyman, clearly irritated, who responded with not a word to our pleasantries. Hammering and mumbling under his breath, I heard snatches like, “I’m so #$%$# sick of these #$%@# window slats,” making one suspect it was an ongoing sore point. Nonetheless, he did fix them, and during our stay, I opened and closed those slats with the care of a surgeon, not wanting to find out what would happen if we called that guy back.

 We finished unpacking, then headed to the Honolulu Zoo. It’s small, and during the day, the balmy perfection of the weather puts the animals in a napping mood; better than a snapping mood but not as picturesque. After a dozen shots of animals snoring in distant shadowy corners, I turned my camera to the amazing trees. The zoo has trees that have lived pampered lives and they create glorious shady realms with multi-colored backlit canopies of leaves. Then there’s the alien allure of the banyan tree, which looks like a creature from outer space. I kept eyeing one in particular, an eerie behemoth, expecting it to pull up its countless draping roots and run amok. It will haunt my stranger dreams.

 John, with his powerful telephoto, had better luck taking shots of dozing wildlife. Actually, after hiding in the corners, one lioness showed a bit of life by sauntering across her enclosure to nap in the shade of a nearby wall, where the reflected light lit her perfectly…with the right lens. John got down on the ground to hold his camera steady to shoot her, hurrying to catch her awake. Trying to be helpful, I began moving my arms in slow, graceful loops to keep the lioness’s eyelids from closing. Cats can’t help it, they track movements, and as someone without the embarrassment gene, I’m just the guy to have around at feline photo shoots. I succeeded for about 5 minutes before gravity pulled her droopy lids down permanently (the effects of the Hawaiian weather are inexorable), long enough for John to get a dozen beauties. Yes, I know I need a new lens;. I should’ve be shooting, too, not faking tai chi.

 John left for the conference, I went back to the (wonderful) hotel room, then joined him later at the Lester McKoy Pavilion in Ala Moana Park for the after business festivities. The bus ride to get there involved going over the canal that separates Waikiki from Honolulu, which involves going through two intersections that are massive bottlenecks. Seriously, the stoplight at these intersections takes so long that our bus driver unbuckled, slowly got out of his seat, stretched thoroughly, opened the bus door, hung out and waved to a passing friend who came over to chat, then he wound things up and returned to his seat just in time for the green light. We went one single block, and the whole procedure was repeated. Past that, everything’s peachy. Going 2 miles took about 30 minutes. No, I couldn’t have walked faster; those lights stop impatient pedestrians, too.

 At the Lester McKoy Pavilion, I noticed about a dozen sleepers under a huge banyan tree, in sleeping bags or makeshift tents. Whether they were homeless or just evading the pricey hotel rooms, it was hard to tell. Also, about a dozen feral cats were prowling about, some completely wild, but some looked at me longingly as I passed by, perhaps remembering that at some time, a human or two had been kind to them, but somehow they’d ended up here.

 As John’s guest, I was treated to a box dinner, which was followed by live music in the big hall, vocal stylings by Aunty Pudgy strumming a ubiquitous ukulele, plus back-up harmonies from the guitarist and bassist. Aunty Pudgy’s band featured a couple of hula-ing kid sisters. The younger one, clearly nervous, forgot her “lines” and made universal shrugging signs of “gee…I forget.” Everyone laughed, which put her at ease, and following the lead of her older sister, she quickly got up to speed. When it was over, the young girl got tremendous applause. It may take years to master hula, but being a natural ham on stage is something you’re born with.

 A number of different dancing groups representing the different islands had been hired for the evening. The graceful men from Lanai had me wanting to visit Hawaii’s smallest inhabited island. At some point, they were asked to stop for a while to allow to conventioneers to put on their own show; ridiculous parodies of island dancing. It was painful. After that was over, I wasn’t surprised the local talent had vanished, I suspect with indignation.

 Saturday, to the aquarium, where one waits patiently to actually see the swimming creatures as people capture the events using iphones and ipads. Modern toys have made the simple pleasure of watching fish into an obstacle course. An awesome display of moon jellies put me in a meditative mood; it’s hard not to use words like undulating and hypnotic to describe them. A young octopus on display had his own entourage of one fiercely protective elderly volunteer named Marge who stood nearby, fielding all questions about her eight-legged friend. The octopus didn’t seem to mind, even eyed Marge with all the affection a cephalapod can muster.

 Walking back to the hotel room, it was impossible not to be impressed with the display of bling in the abundant retail shops. Honolulu is a shopping mecca. Maybe you think you’ve been to a shopping mall. I scoff. The Ala Moana Shopping Center, a place that’s hard to avoid, started out modest and demure I’m told, but grew and grew to take over several surrounding blocks. It’s four levels of shopping pleasure, and stretches in any direction as far as the average shopper cares to walk. It’s so big, the chain outlets begin to repeat. One day, John and I were to meet in the food court there, an area bigger than the entire floor where I work in San Francisco. Seeking each other in the throng, we discovered one really needs to be more specific. Thank goodness for cell phones.

The Japanese especially have made Honolulu their shopping destination of choice. Post vacation, my favorite barista at Peet’s told me that he’d once worked in retail in Honolulu at a store selling Panama hats. Periodically, a Japanese business man, hell-bent on the pursuit of status, would come in to the store and announce, “I want your most expensive hat!” before he’d even seen it. The seeing part didn’t matter. It was a status symbol. And the store, learning that its clientele was likely to make such outburst on occasion, was happy, ecstatic really, to offer a top-of-the-line hat for $10,000. I have to assume it came with an emerald studded sign that read, “This Panama hat cost $10,000,” in order to clarify exactly where one stood in the Hierarchy of Those Impressed by Expensive Panama Hats, or H.O.T.I.B.E.P.H. I suspect my personal H.O.T.I.B.E.P.H. quotient is alarmingly low. I wonder if the local ice-cream parlors had followed suit, offering top-of-the-line status cones with gold leafing and dipped in caviar sprinkles, and coming with a commemorative brooch?

It would be easy to blow your budget on the expensive eating establishments in Honolulu. Lucky John and I are not prone to overeating, even on vacation. We really just wanted a nice omelet, sandwich, and salad, in that order, throughout the day, to supply us with the necessary sustenance to sustain our active lifestyle…we’re such nerds. Happily, there was a Denny’s near our hotel, where we ate breakfast at least, so I didn’t have to take out a small loan upon our return. Even chains like Denny’s and Starbucks have a 20-30% mark-up in Honolulu, though, where so much is imported and the commercial real estate costs a mint.

 One must beware of the “Honolulu Hustle,” a common phenomenon at eateries. There’s a lot of fine print on those menus. At a popular cheeseburger joint, we got the typical deceptive upsell. I said, “I’d like to try this local beer here…” Our waitress said, “Of course you want the 20 ounce size with the fun commemorative glass!” I said, “Um, no, I just want an ordinary pint.” She was crestfallen, but I’d read the menu and saw what she offered (as the only option) was twice the cost of a regular pint size. John ordered a veggie burger. The waitress asked, “do you want French fries, cole slaw or salad with that?” Her careful wording gave no indication that sides were extra, which they were. John was angry when we got the bill and didn’t want to tip the waitress. I suspected it was all restaurant policy…actually, island policy. Nothing is included with your meal. Be very specific. If you order water, say “free tap water,” or else you’ll get the $10 special Hawaiian water from secret mountain cave with souvenir straw.

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Honolulu Goes B.L.O.I.N.G., Part 5

A Teary Farewell to Mrs. C. 

John and I were lounging in the patio area of our tiny hotel in Waikiki. A soothing fluorescent blue-green was the dominant color palette; I was wearing my sunglasses. Compared to the hotel room, the patio was strangely quiet. Quiet, I was learning, was a relative term. The hotel room, if one closed ones eyes, had the ambiance of an airport; laying on the runway beneath a jet at lift-off. Whereas the patio merely had the ambiance of a busy street. Ah, bliss.

 Some acoustic anomaly must’ve been in effect, perhaps the concrete corridors amplified the noise as it travelled the short distance down to our room. But on the patio, next to the street, the sounds seemed deflected by the hotel front or muffled by the trees. Earplugs brought the level into the realm of acceptable, unlike in the hotel room. The rumbling vibrations from the constant parade of delivery trucks was almost soothing; like a massage.

 John and I surfed the web for an “acceptable” hotel room. Aiming for “nice” was out of the question; it was the height of the season and the hotels were packed with Midwesterners escaping Winter. We were stuck at this hotel for one more night, but beyond that there was no way I was going to stay at this dingy, noisy place. The park bench across the street was starting to look pretty nice, but I’d have to fight for it.

 Of course, the tiny hotel did not have its own wi-fi. We were using the leakage from a hotel two blocks away. We found a few generic looking hotel rooms at surprisingly reasonable prices, but the hotels were pretty far inland. John, who had experience here, said that as you went inland, the more likely the hotel would be on a busy streets with rows of matching high-rises amplifying the noise in concrete canyons. Still, I insisted we look. At least we could find a hotel where I wasn’t afraid to drink the water.

 Then John said, “Say, why don’t we go see if something’s opened up at Surf Breaker.” That was the first hotel at which John had tried to make a reservation months ago, but they’d been booked solid. Since it was a short walk away, we headed there. I was not hopeful.

 We spoke with Tim at the front desk. “No, unless you don’t mind a room right next to the street…” I said no way to that.

 Then Tim got this faraway look on his face and said, “Unless…hmmm…we DID just get a cancellation, about five minutes ago. Let me check the system,” said Tim. “Yes, it seems I could POSSIBLY give you a reservation that starts tomorrow. It’s a nice room on the first floor. This is assuming the cancellation doesn’t change their mind once they see read my e-mail about the mandatory charge we’ve made.”

 Tim, a middle aged balding man with dark hair and glasses, was a pleasant chap, but a bit of a nerd. I couldn’t help imagining his story…the sole IT employee at a big company in New Jersey, working around the clock, reaches his wit’s end and takes a sick day, flies to Honolulu, tries to get a room at Surf Breaker but their computer system has broken down. Tim says, “Let me take a look.” An hour later, he’s fixed their system, has a room and a new job, calls the company in New Jersey and calls in sick forever. Hey, there’s at least a chance this is actually true.

 Tim gave us a reservation number with the understanding that it was provisional. Provisional or not, I still insisted on seeing the room. Tim showed it to us, and I was satisfied it wasn’t next to a parking lot or a karaoke bar. In fact, it was…nice! We wanted it, so John and I decided to cross our fingers and come back in the morning.

 Back at the hotel, we got ready for dinner and went out. Walking down the street, we came to a sidewalk sign advertising “Sushi Bistro.” Why not? If you can’t get great sushi on an island surrounded by fish…Greeted by the waiter, we had the choice of the single outside table next to a parked car, or the single inside table next to a blaring TV. We chose outside, and the empty restaurant was suddenly half full. We ordered, and the waiter disappeared into the restaurant, abandoned his waiterly duties by donning an apron and commenced making our order. Ages later, we were served, and the waiter/sushi chef disappeared again when he got into the parked car, backed it onto the street and drove away. Somehow, the sushi missed being inducted into the Hall of Fame, but was acceptable. Not that anyone asked.

 About 45 minutes later, long after we’d finished our sushi, long after we’d considered just leaving (dine and dash would be child’s play at this “bistro”), our waiter/sushi chef/chauffer came back, and asked us if everything was alright? Remembering, vaguely, that he’d fed us dinner at some point in the distant past, we summoned an appropriate response, then uttered a resounding “No!” to the offer of dessert. He tallied our bills, donned his “manager” hat, took our money, and asked us to “please come again!” as hostess, I assume.

 My guess is that our order had depleted his sushi stock, and he’d left in his car to go fishing.

 In our surprisingly comfortable bed in the mildewy hotel room, we were awakened again by the delivery trucks before dawn. After breakfast, we went back to “Surf Breaker” hotel with our (cross-our-fingers) reservation number. “Yes, it’s early but your room is ready. Would you like the key now?” Were finer words ever spoken?

 Our nice hotel room had a comfortable patio, with a strip of garden beyond, and a open air room beyond that, where Japanese on holiday could enjoy all the tranquility of a full-blown tea ceremony which, happily, is performed completely without speaking. As neighboring activities go, this sure beat hydraulic brakes. Later, I discreetly watched one of the ceremonies, a pretty woman in a jade green kimono quietly served tea to a young Japanese man seated on a cushion, legs folded under, in a red silk robe. His back was to me, and when the server temporarily left the room, it made me giggle to see him furtively rub his feet and legs that had fallen asleep.

 We unpacked, then went back to the tiny hotel to check out. We tried to go into the lobby, but it was locked. Peering in, we saw decades-old magazines, ‘70s era water-stained wallpaper,  but no sign of Mrs. C., the elderly Chinese woman who ran the hotel. We spotted the maid (actually, I was surprised Mrs. C. even had a maid, since as manager/proprietor/desk clerk, she was another super-multi-tasker like our waiter of the night before; I’d had visions of her rough, thin arms moving methodically as she changed our rough, thin towels). The maid informed us that Mrs. C. came to the lobby at 10am. So we went for coffee, and came back around 10:15. She still wasn’t there.

 The paranoid in me wanted to set up camp by the door and grimly wait for her arrival. I had this vision of her getting to the lobby, listening to the voicemail from John saying we were wanted to check out, her whispering “not on MY watch!”, and bolting for a few days to the North Shore so we would accumulate charges. But less imaginative heads prevailed.

 John convinced me to step away from the door and go to the nearby mall to buy our bus passes. There were the tourist lines which went from one local site of interest to another, or the bus system used by the locals. We considered the Hop-On Hop-Off system, which comes in 3 colors; pink, red and green. But when we saw the maps of service, we weren’t impressed. The Pink Line goes from mall to mall, so that the eager shopper who’d flown thousands of miles to be in perfect weather could wander in sealed, air-conditioned comfort, exercise his credit card, and never miss a caramel mocha frappuccino. In fact, the Pink Line eliminated all the discomfort and psychological trauma of being some place you’ve never been.

 In fact, none of the tourist lines seemed to satisfy our wants, so we got four day bus passes for the system used by the locals, and a handful of maps. Then we quickly walked back to try and catch the elusive Mrs. C.

 And there she was in the lobby. We entered; she seemed resigned, stoic even. “Yes, I got your message. Sorry you can’t stay longer.” We took care of the business of paying for our 2 night stay. Inside, I was rejoicing; it was going to be the easy way. Happily, Mrs. C. was an honest business woman, I have no doubt now. But even so, having no employees but herself and a maid, if she’d gotten the flu or something, who knows when we would’ve been able to tie up loose ends? As John signed the charge authorization, Mrs. C. looked at me, subtly sardonic, in a way that said, “This is all because of you, isn’t it, princess?” Mrs. C. was clearly the master of looks that conveyed volumes, and I was just the sensitive telepath to catch her meaning. But I’m a master of this as well, and looked back with, “You never can tell, honey.”

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Honolulu Goes B.L.O.I.N.G., Part 4

On the Natural Health Benefits of Tipping

In our cozy tour bus guided by the colorful local, Cousin Shortz, we drove past the North Shore of O’ahu and caught glimpses of mysterious, massive turtles, lumbering on the beach. They had quite a large but respectful audience. “They are laying their eggs, this time of yee-ah,” said Cousin Shortz, “but we cannot stay.” Despite the obvious interest, noses pressed hard against all the windows, we’d spent too much time dawdling at the dilapidated strip mall in Waimanalo, where we’d been heartily encouraged to enjoy shopping for black coral. We stopped only long enough to use the restrooms across the busy street. Nonetheless, John and I hurriedly walked to the shore edge. The North Shore is surfing heaven in the land where surfing was invented, but the waves were not impressive that day. Somehow, John, with his camera’s ability to take 6 shots per second and a beauty of a telephoto lens, got a perfect shot of the one surfer catching the one big wave of the day. John’s lucky like that.

 Quickly climbing back on the bus, our noses pressed again to the windows, we sped away from another perfect beach to our next “can’t miss” attraction…roadside fruit vendors! But first, a five minute spiel about the wonders of fresh coconut milk. “You have been told that it is high in cholesterol, but that is the concentrated stuff, not the fresh, delicious stuff you drink right out of the coconut! Try it, it is full of natural health benefits.”

 When we arrived, a vendor cut the top off of a coconut with a machete, handed it to Cousin Shortz, who made a big show of being delighted. “Oh, that is so delicious! Everyone try it!” Nobody did, even though I think we all wanted to. We were weary of Cousin Shortz’s vacillations between “leave the island” and “buy something already!” Most things sold here, including this alleged ambrosia, were free of prices, which made me pretty sure it would be as high as the native vendor thought he could get. I didn’t want to be scanned for bling. I managed to find a plastic container of fresh papaya with an actual price, which I gladly paid.

 Next stop, a macadamia nut plantation, which sounds like fun, but was actually 15 minutes in a retail outlet. Our pre-stop sales pitch included the tidbit that each macadamia nut was 28 calories, but nonetheless was full of “natural health benefits.” As a shopping op, this one was pleasant enough, as it included perusing a room full of gleaming bags (with actual prices!), each bag representing a different way to flavor the already perfect macadamia nut. Who needed an idyllic day on the beach when you could shop for nuts?

 Back on board, I was very glad I’d worn my safari hat. I’d reached Cousin Shortz Saturation Point (C.S.S.P.). This is not a condition to be taken lightly. Furtively, I reached into my bag where I keep a pair of earplugs. Making it look as though I were just lobe scratching, I put them in and pulled down the sides of the hat. I smiled sweetly at Cousin Shortz as his lecture faded to a pleasant drone. Now I could enjoy the scenery.

 We were unleashed at Waimea Arboretum and Botanical Gardens for 1.5 hours. Heaven. It was here, strolling amid the exotic flora of Hawaii, that I forgave Cousin Shortz for his hectoring. He’d brought us to a place I never would’ve come on my own, being too far from Waikiki, and it was the best place we’d visited all day. Plus Cousin allowed us to be here long enough to actually enjoy it. Weirdly, he didn’t accompany us to provide an instructive lecture, which left us to our own mundane musings. As a lover of the marvelous shapes found in trees, my camera never stopped clicking in Waimea. Okay, it stopped long enough for papaya flavored shaved ice.

 John and I walked the distance to Waimea Falls, which is pretty but small; disappointing when you’ve gotten used to “spectacular.” Hawaii has all the elements for an abundance of spectacular falls, with it high, steep mountains and constant rain.

 Our last stop was the Dole Plantation, or to be precise, you guessed it, the retail area. I’d only caught the gist of Cousin Shortz’s lecture as we’d approached the plantation; something about “downtrodden workers” and “exploitation.” With my earplugs firmly in place, His words flowed and pulsed like lulling bongos; it was pleasantly hypnotic. I’m quite sure Cousin Shortz was disappointed that upon arrival at the plantation, not one of us “cousins” asked for the protest signs I’m sure he had in the trunk. And as far as I know, no one tried to lob a pineapple into the big storefront windows. Well, they did have soft serve pineapple ice-cream with fresh pineapple topping for Pete’s sake. Maybe we’d have time for the revolution after we finished our treats.

 The trip back to Waikiki took us into rush hour traffic. With the island’s one main road around the perimeter and through the valley in the middle, traffic jams are inevitable, as the island is densely populated. Cousin Shortz, fatigued and occupied guiding us through traffic, announced he’d run out of steam, “You’ll just have to enjoy talking amongst yourselves.” Inside, I was cheering and doing handstands, while my expression remained stoic. I did hear a few discreet sighs of relief. When we finally arrived back in Waikiki, Cousin Shortz reminded us once again, “Don’t move here!” just as a bucket for tips was placed by the exit. Disembarking, we all contributed; technically this was optional, but not really. None of us wanted to become a topic of ridicule for future “cousins.” I’m sure he had our pictures.

 And I actually was grateful to Cousin Shortz, for introducing John and I to the magnificence of the Waimea Botanical Garden, that soothing promenade was good for B.L.O.I.N.G. But mostly I was grateful for not being stranded at that strip mall in Waimanalo.

 Back at our tiny hotel, John and I dropped our gear in exhaustion onto the dreary wall-to-wall carpeting. We plopped onto the chartreuse foam-rubber couches, which gave rise to a billowing smell of mildew. This would’ve been a good time for a nap, if such a thing were possible. The Japanese tour buses were going by every 30 seconds on the street, with loud, pre-recorded banter, and the cacophony of deliveries at Trump International next door continued unabated. I winced from one particularly ear-splitting brake screech, took a deep breath, and shouted at John, “JOHN, WE’VE GOT TO FIND A DIFFERENT HOTEL!”

 Naturally, John responded, “WHAT?” (To be continued…)

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Honolulu Goes B.L.O.I.N.G., Part 3

Lustrous Black Coral or Nasty Black Coffee?

Cousin Shortz, our tour bus driver, smiled through gritted teeth as he warmed to his favorite subject: “Before the arrival of the Europeans, the Hawaiians lived in peaceful harmony with nature, with no class system or property to create conflict among the Hawaiian brothers. Do you know the book, ‘Utopia,’ written by Thomas More in 1516? It was like that here, before the arrival of your ancestors…”

 Cousin Shortz was lecturing to all us “cousins” through the speaker system of the tour bus. We were a captive audience of 20 or so, travelling as a merry family through the spectacular scenery of O’ahu. We were on our way to the next look-out point, far from the sheltered enclave of Waikiki in Honolulu. Expressed in the nicest possible way, Cousin Shortz’s recurring theme seemed to be, “Enjoy your vacation then get the hell out, but kindly empty your wallets first.”

 John, sitting next to me in the front seat, whispered, “Our driver doesn’t mention anything about the Kapu system in effect back then. If your shadow happened to fall on a ruler, you were executed.” But John and I sensed it was unwise to interrupt Cousin Shortz’s impassioned soliloquies, especially after he’d confided that he’d left behind a disagreeable couple on a previous tour.

 Historically, the average Hawaiian that felt the wrath of the king probably found it less than utopian. Before the arrival of the hoards of missionaries who introduced written language to the natives, history was maintained by oral tradition. The details are fuzzy, but the Hawaiian Religion’s harsh system of Kapu is well documented. Death was demanded for the breaking of a kapu. For example, men and women were not allowed to eat together. Death seems a little harsh for sharing a coconut with your beau.

 All the regular folks were slaves to the chiefs, and the chiefs were slaves to their superiors, with the King and Queen on top. Naturally the royals knew just what the gods desired; the occasional sacrifice of a subject or two. “No property” actually meant ownership by the ruling class; the subjects couldn’t use anything without getting permission. To me, this does not sound utopian; more like hell with better weather. But hey, as an American, resentment of monarchies is in my DNA.

 Not that the Europeans were any better, introducing STDs, rats, small pox to an unsuspecting populace. But the Hawaiians introduced poi, the ukulele, and Don Ho to an unsuspecting world…a harsh revenge.

 “Everyone please look to your right at the yellow fruit hanging above that brick wall,” said Cousin Shortz. “Who can identify that fruit, which is a major crop here in Hawaii?” Ah, so there WAS going to be a test. I was pretty sure it was a grapefruit, but didn’t answer. The honor of being “teacher’s pet” required too much reading in utopian political theory.

 After an uncomfortable silence, someone said, “A papaya?” in a thick Midwestern accent. “No! Grapefruit!” boomed Cousin Shortz. “I think I’m going to have to adjust my impression of the average IQ in this group,” he said jokingly, which elicited careful laughing. Yes, adjusted UP, I thought.

 Next stop: Hanauma Bay. Cousin Shortz pulled into the parking lot, and said, “Better use the restroom now, in a minute comes a big bus. We are heah for 20 minutes. Don’t spend it in line!” While Cousin Shortz strung together with super-fluidity the pile-up of vowels that is the Hawaiian language, a few consonants sounded foreign to his tongue, and there were syllabic mishaps. “Here” came out like “heah,” which sounded like the deep South. “Property,” a word featured prominently in his lectures, came out like “pro-PER-ty.”

 I dashed to the restroom. When I emerged, a torrent of Japanese tourists was spewing from a behemoth bus and were running my way. I hurried away from the onslaught. Instantly, the queue for the restroom was long enough you’d have to choose between physical relief or the spectacular view. The driver of that bus was another native; a plump woman in a Hawaiian print dress that covered every inch of her short neck and extended well down past any hint of indecent toe exposure. I had this feeling she had instructed her attentive brood to call her “Aunty.”

 From the parking lot, I wandered over to see the bay. Sigh…20 minutes was not nearly long enough here. The bay is world famous for its reef full of colorful, curious fish, and a haven for snorkelers. The beach with its undulating palm trees and white sand looked enchanted. The long path down to the beach made dipping our toes in the turquoise water an impossibility. But, Dammit, here was the place I wanted to spend the day. I thought about desertion. Maybe I could walk the 15 miles back on the narrow, mountainous highway. We’d only started, but I’d already become weary of the company of my somewhat daffy “Cousin.”

 I decided against escape. I was no longer solo; there was John to consider and the whole B.L.O.I.N.G. experiment (Benet/Lancaster Official Investigation of Nesting Ground). I’d try to think of the tour bus as a microcosm; we’d get through it together. So I made do with the small pleasures to be found in the parking lot of Eden. “Oh, look! A mongoose!” someone shouted. It dashed from a tree to the stone wall, then disappeared into a tiny crevice. What a handsome rascal…oh wait, Cousin Shortz says the mongoose was introduced by the white man to control the rats he’d introduced and was wreaking havoc on…wow, now I was sounding like him.

 There were gangs of wild fowl living in the green area of the parking lot. In fact, everywhere we went had colorful hens and rooster loitering about. With his telephoto lens, John captured several close-ups of stern roosters. “Time is up!” Cousin Shortz demanded. There was a tear in my eye as we drove away from Hanauma Bay, where I wanted to spend the rest of my week.

 From there we went to the Halona “Blowhole” Lookout, to gander at the spectacular spewing of ocean waves through a gap in the spectacular rocks, created by ceaseless pounding of surf. Also visible as a faraway strip of land, the spectacular beach where the famous grinding-in-the-sand scene had been filmed for “From Here to Eternity.” Unless otherwise specified, just assume every stop afforded a view that was “spectacular.” In Hawaii, everything is so damned spectacular, after a while, you just want to shout, “C’mon! Again?”

 Next stop, inland to the Pali look-out, where Cousin Shortz untethered us for 20 minutes of “ooh”-ing, then to the Byodo-In Temple for 20 minutes of “aah”-ing. At the temple’s koi pond, John, with his telephoto lens and polarizing filter, took frame-filling shots of the frolicking koi. The filter eliminated the water’s reflections so that the koi seemed to float, sharing the space above with an annoyed swan. At lunch, John showed me a few of the photos. Not for the first time, I was a bit jealous of John’s equipment…his camera equipment.

 We Lunched at “Crouching Lion Inn and Restaurant.” The hostess tried to herd us all together in a tidy row and pack us at four per table, but most of us spread out as though we were normal people, rather than cattle from a tour bus. After a simple lunch of pineapple-laced burger and local beer, I spoke with a friendly couple at the nearest table. Newlyweds from Australia, they were a bit giddy about being able to wear sandals and shorts. In Sydney, the funnel-web and redback spiders make cavalier outfits a bit risky.

 Sated, John and I wandered the lush grounds. I searched for the “crouching lion” carved by the wind and rain on the mountainside above the restaurant. It takes a creative eye, squinting, and a natural ability for seeing phantoms to make it out. So, no problem.

 As we drove to our next stop, it was impossible not to notice the steep incline to our left. I’d never seen anything like it; a massive undulating wave of mountain, nearly vertical, climbing into the far, misty clouds. O’ahu is a small island, but to get anywhere you had to follow a single road around the perimeter because of formations like these; the Ko Olau Mountains. The hand-drawn map given to us by the tour company was comically inadequate at conveying their ominous presence. I couldn’t sense their scale; one mile away, or ten?

 “And now we enter the Waimanalo Hawaiian Homestead area. This land was set aside by the imperialists as a token to the real Hawaiians that had lived through the epidemics introduced by the Europeans.” Ah, Cousin Shortz, adding just the right touch to a claustrophobic situation. “The homes cannot be sold, they can only be inherited by authentic Hawaiians. And now, let’s talk about the beauty of Hawaii’s state jewel, black coral.” Our dear Cousin, master of the abrupt segue, launched into sales banter.

 After a five minute spiel designed to put us in a froth of desire for the polished luster of black coral, we arrived at a dilapidated strip mall and were directed to a store to satisfy our lust. I was more in the mood for ice-cream. When we’d pulled in, I’d seen a sign for it at the other end, so I walked there but the store was closed. John had joined me with the same idea. Disappointed, we walked back past a café catering to local culinary tastes; piles of macaroni salad and Spam. I entered the café to get a coffee, the worst I’ve ever tasted, then coming out I received a blood-freezing look from a group of oversized locals, clearly displeased that we’d wandering past the confines of the store designed to separate tourists from their loot. We quickly made our way back to the bus, where I sipped my bitter brew and contemplated the wall of mountain to the left. We were a long way from the open arms of Waikiki. (to be continued…)

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Honolulu Goes B.L.O.I.N.G., Part 2

 Held Hostage By Cousin Shortz

 “BEEP…BEEP…BEEP…” This was the joyful sound that greeted John and I at 5:30 a.m. on our second day in Honolulu; Thursday February 23. I got up to peek out the bathroom window at the cause. We were 20 feet away from the loading zone of the “real” hotel next door, Trump International; their hundreds of guests requiring truckload after truckload of daily supplies. This involved a great deal of yelling, beeping, and the delicate use of deafening hydraulic brakes. The night before, once the traffic had finally stopped around 11 p.m., I’d slept pretty well on the clean comfortable bed in our miserable hotel room in Waikiki. But there was no sleeping through this cacophony. Nonetheless, I continued to lay there with my earplugs in and white noise generator going, which helped me maintain the illusion that the loading dock noises were actually strident but colorful exotic birds. John stirred but also did not get up. We were both jetlagged and tired, and the alarm was set for 6:30.

 Half dozing with a flock of imaginary birds squawking in my head (I was that tired), I nonetheless suddenly became aware that more than an hour had passed. Groggily, I reached for my watch, then bolted upright.

 “John! Didn’t you set the alarm for 6:30? It’s 6:43!”

 John stirred. “Hmmmm? What? Yes, I set the room alarm…”

 The alarm in the room had not gone off. I don’t know why I was surprised. We jumped out of bed, quickly made breakfast (English muffins and genuine Hawaiian Kona coffee…okay, so it was instant), then ran next door in our shorts and matching safari hats to wait for the tour bus in front of Trump International Hotel. When John had originally booked our seats on the tour bus, he’d given them the address of the tiny hotel where we were staying, but despite the obvious fact that the hotel (really a tiny apartment complex) had been there for decades, they’d never heard of it. Easier just to have them pick us up at the “real” hotel next door.

 The small tour bus arrived and we climbed on board. We were greeted by a remarkably friendly native, around 40 and somewhat short and stocky, with dark hair and a glowing, permanent tan borne of countless generations of constant, perfect weather. Good lord I was pale, as were all the behatted and sun-glassed passengers. I had no doubt every bag on board contained sun-screen, plentiful and strong. “Aloha! Welcome! Please take a seat anywhere.” John and I occupied the front seats.

 John immediately began fussing with his camera in preparation for the day. It was a somewhat complicated procedure and he needed to spread out, so at a red light, he moved to the seat behind me. The driver was zipping around Waikiki from hotel to hotel picking up the riders for the day, and at the next stop as people were boarding, the driver noticed John had moved back a row and said to John, “What? Fighting already? It’s going to be a long day, so you better kiss and make up!” This got a laugh from everybody. Is it THAT apparent? I guess matching safari hats, moustaches, and camera bags made it an easy guess. Our on-going experiment in life-melding called B.L.O.I.N.G., or “Benet/Lancaster Official Investigation of Nesting Ground” appeared to have made JB and I an obvious unit, like Matt Groening’s characters Akbar and Jeff.

 We assured the driver that JB just wanted a “bit of space” for camera preparation; and that he’d move back in a moment, which led to further joking about how a “bit of space” can keep expanding. Great, our driver was an aspiring comedian. We picked up several more at the big hotels, which required delicate maneuvering over numerous speed-bumps. but at last the tour bus was at capacity; about 20 eager adventurers.

 Once we’d all boarded, the driver turned off the motor, stood up, and introduced himself, “Aloha, everyone. Today we’re going to tour 120 miles of the beautiful island of O’ahu. Obviously, I am your driver, and you may call me Cousin Shortz, and each of you I will call Cousin.” This got a hearty chuckle. This group was awfully inclined to chuckle. We were full of giddy anticipation; the beginning of a tour is a time of infinite possibility.

 “I really hope you all enjoy today’s adventure. Hawaii is wonderful, you will love it, but please don’t move here!” Another chuckle. Cousin Shortz continued in a half-joking, half-serious manner. “No really. Honolulu is very densely populated. Rents and real estate prices are spiraling upward. It’s very difficult for the natives…” And we got the first of many lectures on local politics.

 Our first stop was a look-out point at the foot of Diamond Head; 15 minutes. In a pattern that would be repeated throughout the day, we got off the bus in sequence, took photos, looked around at the awesome beauty long enough to get bored, then piled back on. At every stop were other tour buses, competing lines, doing the exact same thing. Some of the buses were huge with a holding capacity from 60 to 100, which created an epic tidal flow of people at every stop. I was glad getting on and off our small tour bus would not consume the bulk of the day in a tedious logistical bottleneck. It was becoming clear that we tourists were part of a big business, and queuing up to see the sights made it feel like Disneyland.

 Onward we drove through Kahala, “The Beverly Hills of Hawaii.” I can’t remember exactly who has palatial estates there, but I seem to recall Cousin Shortz mentioned Oprah and Clint Eastwood, and Doris Duke’s Arabesque palace, Shangri La, is somewhere in the vicinity. We saw a lovely series of high brick walls and imposing gates. Cousin Shortz drove through it all with his becoming familiar expression of smiling through gritted teeth. To the observant, his voice was bristling with a weird undercurrent of ecstatic, grumbling resentment masked by joviality. With a perverse glee, he revealed that despite the high walls and security systems, the celebrities could not prevent anyone, poor though they may be, from using the beaches next to their palaces. “The state of Hawaii has decreed that no one can actually own the beach, so if you look to your right, you will see the beach access path between the high walls.”

 He chuckled, then continued with a conspiratorial voice, “I had a couple once on a tour that told me how they OWNED the beach on their beachfront property. I said to them that no one can really own the beach, but they told me they did, and that they had defended their beach from trespassers more than once with guns!” We all looked appropriately shocked as clearly required. Cousin continued, “well, I worked it out so that I ‘accidentally’ left this couple behind!” He laughed in a way that was a bit unnerving. It was dawning on us, me anyway, that it was not a good idea to appear to disagree with my dear, sweet Cousin. This became especially important as we ventured past the more tourist friendly areas into “locals only” neighborhoods.

 I was beginning to regret our front seat location. Would I be able to maintain adequately enthusiastic nods of agreement under intense scrutiny? Would there be a test? Did he say Doris Duke or Daisy Duke? (To be continued…)

 

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